This one's for you

Photos from David Schwartz

Mama's catching it right about now. Pops is having health difficulties, Mama-Granny is having health problems, my cousin has acted in a manner that's disrespectful and will need to keep a distance from me , & now she's in the hospital.

A week ago she shared in a story how surreal it is to be born in the 1940's in the United States and to face against racial and gender discrimination and to quietly yet deeply fear raising two Black boys. She had seen America spit out and chew Black boys even in the best of circumstances. She wasn't allowed to enter certain restaurants, establishments, and walks of life due to her race and gender as she was growing up. She saw men and women scarred by America while saying the Pledge of Allegiance. As she pledged allegiance to a country who violated and abused her fellow Americans of African and Indian descent she placed her faith on the cross of Christ. She stood up for and held onto love towards men who walked away from responsibility and fought the devils in alcohol. drugs, crime, and perversion.

Mom marched with Dr. King, listened to Malcolm, and later lit seven cultural candles after celebrating the birthday celebration of her savior. Mom worked and received lower paychecks and was shut-out of some businesses due to her womanhood. And now she had a chance to vote for a Barak Obama.



This is something that she spoke into me and my brother as we were lil'. "You could even be the President of the United States of America." While she was attempting to bolster her children with a wealth of the hope that embraces the "American dream "she truly didn't believe that it could happen for one of America's African children. My parents kept me in love with our African and Indian roots as much as they immersed us into almost all-white environments. She put up with polite smiles and back-stabbing church and professional peers who spoke of love and equality and practiced distance......And now she had a chance to vote for a Barak Obama.

Mom spoke of feeling like she was dreaming when she graduated from school and "they" made "them" all get into a bus to vote. She fearfully yet fearlessly got in the line expecting the usual police batons, citizen threats, or the whispered about bombs and was able to cast her vote for John F. Kennedy. She couldn't believe that she was able to do what so many had died trying to do. She couldn't believe that she was safe in participating in American society after being an American negro......And now she had a chance to vote for a Barak Obama.

We sat and she marveled while watching videos on the Internet involving people of all backgrounds demonstrate their support of Barack Obama in song, poetry, and speech. She marveled as one video showed bridges across the world with people holding signs endorsing Obama. Here I sat; her privileged Afro-revolutionary-thinking, Black-Republican-acting, Broke yet blessed elitist behaving, Suburban-raised yet hood-loving, Conservative-radio addicted son. She and others bled and suffered for me to be able to believe what I believe. As she marvelled I marvelled. She has seen America become closer to what America claimed it was. As southern rapper Young Jeezy says to Barack Obama in one his songs "Win, loose, or draw......You have changed the world for us." This is surreal to her.

Yesterday Barak Obama's grandmother died (11/03/2008 Roman Calendar) . Two days ago Mum was placed into the hospital fighting against pneumonia. She won't get a chance to vote and she's worried that her conservative son's vote may be one of the votes that defeats her realized dream in Obama's candidacy.

I awoke at 3:00 AM. I arrived at the polling place at 4:35 AM. The polls opened up at 6:00 AM. I cast my vote at 6:05 AM. My wifey arrived at 5:30 AM and cast her vote at 7:30 AM. I'll pick-up my Daddy around 10:00 AM to take him to the polls. This is surreal for him as well. Looking at the line behind me this morning was surreal. I shed a tear for Mum as I approached the voting booth. This is something she wasn't able to do today after praying, working, and bleeding for the opportunity. Mum, this one's for you.

Seko VArner

"I just work here !"

Struggles for new life

We arrived in Georgia and hung out with Rhonda's uncle Arzym and his family. His newest arrival is a beauty named Olivia. Her mother is Arzym's daughter Terri-Lynn. Watching Terri-Lynn feed Olivia reminded me how dependent children are upon arrival. Olivia fed with seemingly deep-seated hunger, as her Mum removed the bottle to allow me to see her wide inviting eyes the Lil' one went crazy! "Don't bother me, I can't take an appointment, ensuring life continuation here buddy, put that bottle back into 'mi boca' Mommy !" I chuckled thinking "She's already taking charge." as I walked off feeling so good that my lil' ones are way past that stage. I have to keep them out of the fridge' "Dad, can I have .......(add your food or beverage here)..." is normally what I hear preceded by that unmistakable sound of money going down the drain when the refrigerator opens widely and for an extended "Ummmmm.... Let's seeeeee.......What do I want...?" session.

We traveled to the hospital. We came here to ATL (Atlanta, Georgia) to pick up my Mum who is sitting with her Mum who is in the hospital after facing a stroke. Granny walked into her 90 year stage of eldership a few months ago and we marvelled at the grace, love, and memories given by my Mama-family's matriarch. Granny has been known to pray for you and prey upon you if you even thought about being out of line. I have very non-fond memories of her flying sandals violently reminding my head that I needed to mind my manners, behaviors, mouth, etc...

Today Granny-Mum lay struggling after a stroke. This is one of those times when I wonder why someone who devoted her life to serving Christ isn't given better protection by our Lord. Years ago I would have faced an onslaught of flying sandals if I were to ever voice this question and Granny-Mum heard about it. I'm sure that this is one of those "You'll understand when you get older." experiences. After seeing a woman who prayed harder for me than I've ever prayed for myself struggling to breathe, I began to worry that she may have wasted precious prayers upon me that may have prevented this stroke. Those fingers that lovingly held and guided me for years were holding onto to life. The eyes that used to read Biblical stories to a youngster seemed forcefully shut with shudders and a nervousness that was foreign to me.

As I peered around the room I saw the newest father on my Mum's side of the family. I remember when this cousin was born. He asked if I wanted to see his baby. I'm thinking "didn't he have a lil' one last month ?" before realizing that his child was very prematurely born. In the very same hospital this father visits his daughter and great-grandmother. Within minutes he beholds a granny-woman who has been pivotal to his life and his new life. He takes the fam' and I to visit his lil' soldier, Kaori Clowers. Kaori is indeed a soldier. She's breathing 28% oxygen through a tube, she just received her first portion of food today, and she's not even two pounds yet. Cousin shared how he and Kaori's mother often share hospital responsibilities and how he often visits before and after work. He spoke with so much confidence about the surgical procedures Kaori was experiencing as he gave me a tour of all the tubes sticking into this lil' one. I fondly though how the word "Ka" was used to describe the soul by our ancient Kemitian (Egyptian) ancestors and struggled to remember what the name "Ori" meant from one of the African based cultures I've been exposed too. I thought that it might be a Haribu (Hebrew) term, but I wasn't sure. I thought that it meant strength, but I couldn't be sure. Her name had a smooth feel and I experienced an inward feeling of understanding that this child was going to be a powerful force in our family. As her papi' spoke to me Kaori moved, as I spoke she moved and her lips danced as if she were trying to speak to me. I'm sure that at some point in her life, she and I will share a beautiful relationship. She's a soldier.

I returned to Granny. Her feet were moving. I placed my hands on her praying for the Almighty to make it easy upon the family and I. "Thy will be done God, just help us to understand." I then admitted to the ancestors that we were not ready for Granny to join them. "I know it's not up to us - Ancestors, I know it's in God's time, but we ain't ready yet." An understanding wrapped me with a feeling that they (the ancestors) didn't expect to expect her yet either. "Asante-Sana Yeshua" (Thank you Jesus). A brother was happy. Her hands began to move. Family entered the room. Laughter erupted. Hugs were exchanged. Granny began making moves that seemed to mean "Ya'll are making too much noise." Granny re-arranged herself in her bed. She asked my Great cousin Vivian, who I always thought was my aunt, for some water. Aunt Biddie (Vivian) gently rubbed cold water onto Granny's lips providing some comfort. Granny cannot swallow anything without choking in her current state. She couldn't drink any water. More family arrived, Granny began opening her eyes and began asking for ice, water, something to drink, and began waving at the assembly. I felt safe.

Later that afternoon I returned to the room after escorting the Wifey to the Fox theatre to view the Broadway production of The Color Purple. The theatre was about three blocks away from the hospital. Mum was in the room surrounded by smiling faces. I kissed Granny on her shoulder and she waved both hands shooing me away from her. Granny was trying to talk and probably was giving instructions as she was accustomed. I made plans to travel to one of my cousin's homes to allow my kids to play with their cousins. I grabbed my lil' girls hand and placed one hand upon Granny and prayed a prayer of thanks. As I looked up I noticed a blush upon my mother's face that was full of distraught. We reversed places. She used to hold my as I cried. Today, I held her as she cried. Mums in despair, I felt a sense of comfort.

That night I returned to the hospital to pick up Wifey. She walked to the hospital after the play as I was stuck in Hot-Lanta's crazy-tail traffic. Wifey shared how Granny was visited by another minister and was sitting up in her bed singing and clapping in praise. Christ's protection may not be always evident, but there's always evidence. I smiled thinking "We not ready, they're not ready." considering the feeling I received earlier. Granny's new life is upon her.

Post script:
While adding this post the morning after the experience I received notice that Granny was sitting up last night and has movement in one of her arm and legs. Asante Sana Yeshua. Also I've found that I was right about the "Ka" meaning "The soul" or "My Soul" , it normally referrs to the persons twin. The soul is one twin, the body is the other in traditional Kemetian beliefs. "Ori" is a Hebrew name meaning "My light" or "The Origin of" and has been used to describe the concept of stregnth as in "My stregnth". Her Daddy described her as being feisty and my observations concurred with his assessment. Her soul is her stregnth. I'm not sure yet what cultural origin or meaning the parents settled upon as they named Kaori (I forgot to ask), but my intuition that she was gong to be powerful seemed to be sound. May her new life be a blessing.

Seko VArner - Team VArner
"I just work here."

What's to Come

Sitting back and reading my husband's Daddy Varner blog gives me so much joy. I can never read it without shedding a few tears or laughing out loud. He doesn't talk much about how he feels but it is wonderful to have a husband that values you and his children. It makes me wonder what my children are garnering from their experiences as our children. When I look at them now I am in awe of how far they've come from being in my womb, in my arms and just entering pre-school. It is unimaginable that we have a 1st grader and 3rd grader. As we begin this new phase of parenthood, I can only pray that we do right by them and raise children who are responsible citizens of the world. This summer we took them to Disney. They rode on an airplane and even with a few down moments, had a BALL. So many kids don't get the chance to have and do the things that are just common place to them. There next big family vacation will be out of the country in 2010. I can't wait to see more of the world and watch them as they begin to understand this diverse universe in which we live. Right now they are poor in teeth (missing about 4 between them) but rich in opportunity. Thanks Be to God!

GrandMama Love

Daniel VArner's video for Granny Elizabeth Mayfield Suggs' 90th Bornday !
Click the words "Grandmama Love" to follow links to download the video.

Evil Eyes

From Seko:
On 11/13/2007 Dad needed to go to the conference office to teach a class for the newest ministers in the Southern Conference of the United Church of Christ. While driving those sleepy country Suffolk Virginia roads dad began drifting into stories of Mama.
Pops met mom as he returned from ministering in Scotland. A minister supervising him shared to pops "when you return to the states and go to Atlanta I want you to meet a friend of mine who is in the administration at Columbia Theological Seminary. They took in their first female Negro student and they need help."

One of Mom's Ministers and mentors was the first Negro male to attend the school a few years prior. Pops then shared how Mom was that female Negro and she caught hell from the other students studying to be ministers. This administrator and the administration of the school were courageous..... they courted this negro after her Presbyterian church-college, Agnes Scott College, refused to take her (since they sent their negro-money to Stillman College to help thier Negro Presbyterians). Pops shared how mama would sometimes be the only student in her classes as others peers would drop the course as soon as they saw her. By providing support to this hard-headed girl catching death threats and harassment from her 'Christian' peers Dad fell in love. He was there as my grandmother lost jobs when they found out mom was marching in the civil rights marches and was going to their school. Mom took the pain, cried her tears, passed the tests, and graduated. Mom shared with me that she caught Hell from the 'Christian' professors and her 'Christian' peers because she was both a woman and Black. She shared how the only outright support came from the ladies who were attending the college as they were facing the evils of sexism. Some of the professors hated the fact that women were being trained in the ministry. Mom was leery of the women, but she accepted thier support.

A female white-peer who supported Mom painted a masterpiece full of color with many pairs of wicked eyes looking forward. Those eyes were Mom's classmates. (Interestingly enough Mom's classmate painted the faces of the evil eye folks brown.) I remember seeing this painting hanging in the basement-closet of our home in New York. I always wondered why a painting would be hanging in a closet. I remember seeing this painting in our garage while living in Columbus, Ohio. I always wondered why Mom would look at this work of art and stiffen her bottom lip with tears welling in her sleep deprived eyes. I remember getting a beating for something and mom catching a glimpse of those brightly-wicked eyes. She fell to her knees and sobbed. Then I didn't care, my beating ceased. Mom hated that painting and gave it to an aunt who hung in prominently in her college dormitory. Mama's pain, Aunties' propeller.

Today I am thankful for those eyes. Mom made history and opened doors for our people....Daddy fell in love. Thank the creator for evil eyes.

Mortality

I've been really considering my mother's mortality lately. Watching my children's face as they embrace their "Be-be" has been a great source of joy lately. Where will I stand when they, and I, have to walk up to life's bed and touch the eyebrows of an ancestor named 'My Mama'. I used to fight people when they mouths formed the words "Yo' Mama". (I wish I could say that I won all of those fights. Thank GOD for Martial Arts !) I used to run to her arms after bruising my knees or my ego. I used to run from her into the protective arms of my Pops placing him in danger of Mum's wailing arms, belts, branches, extension cords, or whatever she could get her hands on to inflict discipline.
I once dated a woman who was never the same following the passage of her Mum. She never finished school, and worked beneath herself during the times we were together. She attributed her misfortune to the passing of her mum.....yet never seemed to do anything to honor her Mum via works. I always told myself that I'd never be affected in the same manner.......Yet today Mum is in the hospital again and I'm numb, wondering if I need to prepare myself for something I'm not prepared for. After receiving the news that Mum only had bronchitis again my spirits were only slightly lifted. Sometimes ancestorships walks into ones life, slowly and quietly. I don't know if this is the beginning of the glory of walking into glory, or simply another one of life's difficulties. There is so much that I don't know, yet there is much that I do know. My Mum has been one of the rocks in my life. As much as I've become much of a Poppa's boy in the last few years, the times spent with Mum....being beaten by Mum......being supported by Mum...being loved by Mum....and being guided by Mum has directed me to become much of what I am today.
My Judaic-Christian background has promoted the understanding of the Creator being simply the Father, yet my interactions with the almighty have given me a truly broader understanding of our 'Heavenly' parent. The creative force that dwells in me, outside of me, and in you is larger than the descriptions we have for it. GOD is limitless, similar to the love a mother has for her children. My experience with GOD has been motherly at times, feeling the spirit kiss on my soulful wounds as I've tripped and fell over my blessings and difficulties. Mum's kiss would make me forget of the pain, the creator's kiss has done the same. GOD loves GOD's children like a strong mother loves her children. Understanding GOD has allowed me to understand my Mum. Thank Good-orderly-direction for the blessings of knowing my mother and knowing my mother's love.
Today I know that Mum will return from the hospital. Today I thank the creator for her life. Today I thank the ancestors for their watchful eyes and messages. Today I'll be ever to make it through another day knowing that I have a Mother that I can hug and hold and adore. GOD bless our mothers and mother-ancestors. Ashee-Amen-AhMother.

Seko VArner