Raw Emotion

On Monday, July 20, 2009 I experienced a horror and a joy. My mother passed away suddenly that evening and my life has not been the same. You may ask where was the joy... My Mother was a deep believer in Jesus and my joy came from knowing that she was now in his presence...having left quickly, not suffering a long agonizing death. Family and friends have been close as we had just had a family picnic two days prior. An event close to her heart as she wanted all of us to know each other. She worked hard for a full week before the event and for the two days she lived thereafter. She wanted all of her family to feel welcomed and have a good time. God is all knowing and made this year one that we were truly enjoying together. She retired in January, we took a family trip with her, my stepfather, my sister, my husband and my kids in April, she kept the kids for a week in June while Seko and I were on vacation with her brother and sister-in-law, we attended the funeral of one of her 1st cousins and then out of the blue, she was gone. I am grateful for the time we spent together but I am no where near a clear place in my heart and head. I can't think, words escape me and I feel like I can't stay awake for very long. Just reading cards from family friends evoked the following:

In these moments when I feel so empty, lonely and void,
I still breathe.

When it takes more effort that I thought I could muster,
I still breathe.

I breathe the memories of a Mother who was my best friend
Who could tell me when I was right but more importantly when I was wrong.

I breathe the air she once breathe with me

I feel a pain that others have felt, yet no one knows.

I think of her and wonder what I will become without her

I think of what she gave and know that I am equipped but long for her direction.

I think of her smile, her laugh or just the way she said my name and I know that she loved me and I her. I wonder why she was called home without warning and at a time when my life was so happy.

Now I fight to feel the happiness, to go for hours without weeping.

Joy and pain
They are entwined, through the divine nature of life.

We have but a while together and then we are apart for what seems like eternity only to meet in eternity.

It is in these times when the kindness of those who know me, who knew her reminds me of her. It is not always in the quiet moments that I grieve, but in the moments when surrounded by those she loved, deeply loved that remind me of who she was.

The parts I knew and the parts that were not reserved for me but for others. The parts that touched and reached so far and wide
Love is eternal and I pray that Love will heal my broken heart.

Rhonda L. Varner