Heavy Load, Empty Wagon

As I sit here this Sunday Morning, I mourn two people who have greatly impacted my life. This is a day they both loved.... Sunday. Each had their own pattern, ritual of preparing, but both loved to go to church. Both loved to just be in The Presence. How do you grief one without thinking of the other? That I don't know. It was my Mother who helped me when Poppie became ill and he who consoled me when she passed. This next year I expect to be an emotional test that I'm not sure how I will pass but know that I will. Next weekend is what would have been my Mother's 63rd birthday and she will not be here to celebrate it... and he will not be here to console me. Two weeks later will be what would have been his 72nd birthday and he will not be here to celebrate it ...nor she to console me. I'm sure that God has a reason for why my life is in this state but I just don't know why. I pray the outcome will be magnificent. On Friday, my Mother-in-law stopped breathing. My husband administered CPR. God must have known that burden who have been more than I could bare. Right now the wagon is empty...but the load is heavy. Two fewer passengers...by a very heavy heart.

Rhonda V.

Single Parent Now

1:51 AM 09/22/2009. I was notified that my mother became a single parent after over 40 years. 1:52 AM, I'm running down the street in my neighborhood crying trying to escape the pain. 2:03 AM, I realize I need to be there for my mother. I need to be there for my mother. I need to be near my mother.
Seko-Benjamin

Back to Cool Libations

Today the ninos' returned to their government school (Shouts to Neal Bortz). While it's joyous, its also a day of loss for me. I started this blog to allow my ninos' to share parts of their lives in a manner that their grandmothers could easily access and proudly share with others. On (Roman calendar) June 20th, 2009 one of their grandmothers, Gloria Stanton, became a beloved ancestor. As some of my more Churchy folks might say, I won't be able to share these moments with her in the 'natural'. As I exited the house today to check the weather I noted the ever-so-slight drizzle and connected that light rain with the pouring of libation....... In worship of the Almighty, in worship of our Savior, in remembrance of my Mother-In-Law...... As the kiddies left the bus-stop eagerly dancing in their seats with jubilance towards a new school year the rain slowly intensified. "Fresh water keeps me well, fresh water opens the way, fresh water is my sustainer, fresh water comes from above. Thank you Almighty for fresh water in the form of Gloria." As I walked into the house fighting the mosquitoes I became uplifted as I thought to myself how 'Cool' it was for my kids to have so much joy in anticipation of school. Gloria would have laughed and smiled (in the natural) at the coolness of her grandchildren. I'm sure she's laughing, smiling, and worshiping in the 'spiritual'. Gloria, enjoy those heavenly cooling waters from the Living well. You are well kept and well missed.

Seko VArner

Raw Emotion

On Monday, July 20, 2009 I experienced a horror and a joy. My mother passed away suddenly that evening and my life has not been the same. You may ask where was the joy... My Mother was a deep believer in Jesus and my joy came from knowing that she was now in his presence...having left quickly, not suffering a long agonizing death. Family and friends have been close as we had just had a family picnic two days prior. An event close to her heart as she wanted all of us to know each other. She worked hard for a full week before the event and for the two days she lived thereafter. She wanted all of her family to feel welcomed and have a good time. God is all knowing and made this year one that we were truly enjoying together. She retired in January, we took a family trip with her, my stepfather, my sister, my husband and my kids in April, she kept the kids for a week in June while Seko and I were on vacation with her brother and sister-in-law, we attended the funeral of one of her 1st cousins and then out of the blue, she was gone. I am grateful for the time we spent together but I am no where near a clear place in my heart and head. I can't think, words escape me and I feel like I can't stay awake for very long. Just reading cards from family friends evoked the following:

In these moments when I feel so empty, lonely and void,
I still breathe.

When it takes more effort that I thought I could muster,
I still breathe.

I breathe the memories of a Mother who was my best friend
Who could tell me when I was right but more importantly when I was wrong.

I breathe the air she once breathe with me

I feel a pain that others have felt, yet no one knows.

I think of her and wonder what I will become without her

I think of what she gave and know that I am equipped but long for her direction.

I think of her smile, her laugh or just the way she said my name and I know that she loved me and I her. I wonder why she was called home without warning and at a time when my life was so happy.

Now I fight to feel the happiness, to go for hours without weeping.

Joy and pain
They are entwined, through the divine nature of life.

We have but a while together and then we are apart for what seems like eternity only to meet in eternity.

It is in these times when the kindness of those who know me, who knew her reminds me of her. It is not always in the quiet moments that I grieve, but in the moments when surrounded by those she loved, deeply loved that remind me of who she was.

The parts I knew and the parts that were not reserved for me but for others. The parts that touched and reached so far and wide
Love is eternal and I pray that Love will heal my broken heart.

Rhonda L. Varner

Mortality

I've been really considering my mother's mortality lately. Watching my children's face as they embrace their "Be-be" has been a great source of joy lately. Where will I stand when they, and I, have to walk up to life's bed and touch the eyebrows of an ancestor named 'My Mama'. I used to fight people when they mouths formed the words "Yo' Mama". (I wish I could say that I won all of those fights. Thank GOD for Martial Arts !) I used to run to her arms after bruising my knees or my ego. I used to run from her into the protective arms of my Pops placing him in danger of Mum's wailing arms, belts, branches, extension cords, or whatever she could get her hands on to inflict discipline.
I once dated a woman who was never the same following the passage of her Mum. She never finished school, and worked beneath herself during the times we were together. She attributed her misfortune to the passing of her mum.....yet never seemed to do anything to honor her Mum via works. I always told myself that I'd never be affected in the same manner.......Yet today Mum is in the hospital again and I'm numb, wondering if I need to prepare myself for something I'm not prepared for. After receiving the news that Mum only had bronchitis again my spirits were only slightly lifted. Sometimes ancestorships walks into ones life, slowly and quietly. I don't know if this is the beginning of the glory of walking into glory, or simply another one of life's difficulties. There is so much that I don't know, yet there is much that I do know. My Mum has been one of the rocks in my life. As much as I've become much of a Poppa's boy in the last few years, the times spent with Mum....being beaten by Mum......being supported by Mum...being loved by Mum....and being guided by Mum has directed me to become much of what I am today.
My Judaic-Christian background has promoted the understanding of the Creator being simply the Father, yet my interactions with the almighty have given me a truly broader understanding of our 'Heavenly' parent. The creative force that dwells in me, outside of me, and in you is larger than the descriptions we have for it. GOD is limitless, similar to the love a mother has for her children. My experience with GOD has been motherly at times, feeling the spirit kiss on my soulful wounds as I've tripped and fell over my blessings and difficulties. Mum's kiss would make me forget of the pain, the creator's kiss has done the same. GOD loves GOD's children like a strong mother loves her children. Understanding GOD has allowed me to understand my Mum. Thank Good-orderly-direction for the blessings of knowing my mother and knowing my mother's love.
Today I know that Mum will return from the hospital. Today I thank the creator for her life. Today I thank the ancestors for their watchful eyes and messages. Today I'll be ever to make it through another day knowing that I have a Mother that I can hug and hold and adore. GOD bless our mothers and mother-ancestors. Ashee-Amen-AhMother.

Seko VArner